It's My Birthday and I Hate It

I'm not the only one.

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Birthdays are hard.

Most of my life I’ve hated my birthday. I’m gonna bet that started on my third birthday when I blew out the candles and my hair caught fire. Seriously, although that’s a true story, I never liked all the forced attention, pretending to show emotion as I opened gifts in front of people, or writing thank you cards for things I didn’t even want.

I especially hate my birthday on those years I wish I were never born. Why would I choose to celebrate my life when I don’t want to be here?

One year I was so depressed I went as far as to tell all my family and friends not to send me cards or presents and warned I would throw them away if they did. No one sent a thing. The following year when I was in a much better mood, I reminded everyone that we cancelled my birthday the year before and they could give me two presents to make up for it. That didn’t happen. Lesson learned.

Meme from Reader’s Digest at RD.com

I’m not the only one who isn’t fond of her birthday. Through mental health groups, reading message boards, and supporting others, I’ve noticed many people have strong feelings about this day, either positive or negative. Some of us, particularly suicide survivors, are in awe that we’ve made it another year. That could be something to celebrate or something to regret. And our perspective might change from year to year.

If dealing with depression, a birthday can be sad and stressful. As much as I want to smile, it doesn’t work that way. I worry no one will care, and if not enough people wish me a happy birthday, I feel forgotten and even more alone. Sometimes people do wish me happy birthday but don’t care to hear how I’m feeling, so their wishes seem hollow.

How do you feel about birthday celebrations?

After 37 years, I’ve accepted that it’s okay to feel however I do about my birthday, and there’s nothing wrong with celebrating or not celebrating any way I want. I try not to focus on other people’s expectations of me on this day and just be who I am. No more cancelling presents though.

This time I’m celebrating. It’s another year that I’m alive, despite my struggles and how many times I’ve wanted to give up throughout my life.

You can actually buy this adorable mouse sculpture on Etsy!

Three things I’m celebrating this year:

1. I finished writing my first book! I’ve been working on a memoir quite a while, and my husband always joked it would take me 37 years to finish writing. Is it a coincidence that I completed the manuscript just two weeks before my 37th birthday?

2. My little sister is getting married in June! I can hardly believe it—they’ve only been dating nine years.

3. I’m starting a newsletter that weirdly involves mice, and you’re actually reading it!

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I’d love to hear from you! How do you feel about your birthday?

What kinds of topics or questions would you like me to address in this newsletter?

If you read this far, you deserve some cheese.